​Did You Know Workplaces Can Be Abusive? I’m Calling It Out!

This month’s topic is so important to talk about, because the issue of workplace abuse is pervasive, and yet so difficult to identify. It sometimes takes years to identify toxic relationships and environments, so I am hoping that this will help create empowerment, freedom, and validation for those of you who may be experiencing this.
 
Disclaimer: We are focusing on emotional and psychological abuse, so if you have experienced physical or sexual abuse at your workplace, please seek professional help in identifying your options, and of course contact emergency or law enforcement if you are in immediate danger.
 
First of All- What is Workplace Abuse?
 
Let’s call it what it is. When someone at your workplace uses their position of power or other means to manipulate your emotions or behavior- that is called abuse. When a professional relationship is so toxic that it is impacting your self-esteem, self-confidence, hopefulness, freedom, or any realm of your personal life, there is a good chance that you are experiencing an abusive workplace.
 
Some examples:

• When a dedicated, hardworking employee with nothing but glowing quarterly reviews announces to her boss with whom she has a great relationship that she may be moving in several months due to an exciting opportunity. The response from her boss is to give the employee the silent treatment, strip her of an important title, use degrading language such as, “You’re replaceable, not that valuable to us, anyone could do your job, there’s a line of people waiting to fill your role, you don’t deserve your pay raise, you’re lucky to have this job”, and uses financial manipulation in order to retain the employee.
• When a staff member raises his voice at an intern in front of clients because of an administrative error, and encourages several other staff members to then begin isolating the intern. After the intern confronts the staff member, the isolation becomes worse and the staff member begins interrupting the intern, walking away mid-conversation, using derogatory language, and assigning inappropriate tasks.

 
Recognizing the Abuse
 
We would call out emotional or psychological abuse in a romantic relationship if a partner was using degrading language to control or manipulate the other’s behavior. So why do we have such a hard time seeing it at work? I think it has something to do with believing that when we put our professional selves forward, we leave behind the muddiness of our personal selves. This couldn’t be farther from the truth! Work can feel highly personal, and the dynamics we enact in our personal lives are likely present professionally as well. But we don’t know to even look for these things, because most people generally assume that their colleagues will bring their best selves to work and that work and life exist in two separate realms.
 
It can also be hard to recognize, because we might engage in self-blame. We might actually believe that what our employer or colleague is saying is true and therefore turn our anger inward. It can be really difficult to parse out productive feedback that may make us feel difficult emotions versus words or actions intended to make us feel bad. But there’s the difference: productive feedback is intended to lift you up and raise you to your highest potential. It should include actionable items or specific things to work on, and you should have a clear path to receiving support on these things. Workplace abuse is intended to bring you down. It may occur in the form of retaliation when someone feels hurt, undercutting in order to bolster someone else, or hazing-type behaviors (e.g., “I was made to go through hell when I first got here, so you have to go through this too”). 
 
The Impact on Mental Health
 
Especially given the way that our identities, sense of self, and feelings of worthiness come from our work, workplace abuse can be incredibly harmful. It can make us feel stuck, worthless, as though our work or lives don’t have meaning or purpose, can impact self-esteem and confidence, may affect our relationships, can cause symptoms of anxiety or depression, may impact future opportunity, and there is a potential for suicidal or homicidal thoughts or actions.
 
What Can You Do?

1. Assess your options for staying/reporting/leaving. Is your organization large enough to have an HR department? Would you feel supported in reporting? Would you feel supported by upper management? Do you fear retaliation? Do you fear for your safety or the safety of others? Do you have other options for employment? These are all great questions to ask yourself to figure out viable options you have. Note: Part of the emotional abuse at work may include making you feel as though you aren’t good enough, and therefore wouldn’t have other employment options. If you answered “no” to this last questions, perhaps challenge yourself just a little and see if this belief is coming from the reality of your situation or from your boss’s/colleague’s abuse. 
2. Identify safe people at work. It is important to find people you can trust to confide in about what is happening, especially if there is an option for the abuser to be disciplined and/or fired, or if there are people who would recognize these behaviors and intervene when it occurs.
3. Collect data. If you are thinking about reporting the abuse or seeking intervention within the company, begin collecting specific instances of toxic and abusive behavior (if they are documented through email or text message, even better).
4. Look into your state’s laws regarding this topic to be informed of outside options.
5. Work with a therapist who can help you identify the abuse and restore what you feel has been lost in your life as a result. Any of these key words could indicate a good fit: trauma-informed/ trauma-focused, family systems, career counseling, bullying, workplace stress, and/or coping skills.

 
I watched someone I love very much gradually shift from a happy, optimistic, hard working, motivated, loving, confident person to someone who was withdrawn, isolated, exhausted, and felt inferior to those around her. It wasn't until I recognized that her boss (who I also knew socially) was perpetrating the same emotional abuse she herself experienced. Despite running away from the abuse of her past, she continued the cycle with her employees through retaliation, undercutting, undermining, and manipulation. If you have noticed a similar shift in yourself or someone you love due to workplace relationships, I hope that you may find your light once again. 

Sending everyone today light, love, and a reminder to take care of our hurtful pasts so that they may stop hurting ourselves and others.